


Sanctuary of Dreams

by AvaDiablo



Category: Arashi (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Cutting, M/M, Mental Instability, Rape Fantasy, Scars
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-25
Updated: 2015-09-25
Packaged: 2018-04-23 08:42:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,158
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4870504
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AvaDiablo/pseuds/AvaDiablo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes being together is not enough</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sanctuary of Dreams

**Author's Note:**

> I can't stress enough that this is alternate reality and quite dark in nature. Read at your own risk.

_The room was no more than the size of a small shed without windows; the only source of light came from a flickering light bulb lying on the floor. He's naked. Sweat drips down his body, rolls over the scars on the left side. The salt stings where the wounds haven't healed yet. He sat in that room, legs crossed, hugging himself. He moaned as the memories flooded him. High pitched, short burst of breathless sounds. Memories he didn't want, he needed to forget in order to live; to breathe even. He could hear the other's footsteps just outside the door, inching closer.  
Keep away, please keep away! The mantra is going throw his head while he rocks himself. He hears the door open with a click, and cold wind streams in making him shiver. He doesn't want to look around, but he does and screams. _

He heard the scream tearing him from the middle of his nightmare. Breathing unevenly, with his heart frantically beating, he stares up at the ceiling trying to figure out if he was still dreaming or not. Images of flames, the heat on his body, and the smell of burned flesh still surrounded him. The way his dreams have been messed up lately, he could just have rolled into another. He sighed troubled, silently listening to the scream's echo resounding in his mind's eye. His blood still rushed with adrenaline. Was the scream even his? His breathing evened out a little as he looked around into the empty room. The thin curtains letting in the lights of the street below; he could even see the traces of the moon through the fabric. Sounds of traffic filtered through the open window as he began to realise he was awake after all. 

The dreams had become frantic as they always did during this time of year, nearing the first of September. Autumn was soon settling in, schools had begun their lessons again; meaning the summer break was partly over and normal life would just kick in again.  
Ohno stretched his aching body and yawned searching for his alarm clock. He discovered it near the window on the floor where he must have thrown it in his sleep. Rubbing the sleep from his face, he tried to recall what he dreamed about this time, but the dream was overshadowed by images he didn't want to remember. He swallowed hard as he let his hands run through his thick, dark hair and let them rest there. The traffic noise made his brain drowsy as he listened to it. He drifts off again, hoping that the nightmares would stay away for the rest of the night. 

He heard the second cry. Just one burst; urgent and terrifying, startling him out of the slumber. It was a sound he knew well. Well enough to make his heart start pounding again with dread. He struggled to get up, tossing around with the sheets which had his legs tangled up. Another burst of sound, softer this time. It made him feel frustrated with his futile attempts as he kicks his legs about hoping it will get him some room to manoeuvre. It doesn't help much, and with an annoyed outcry he flops back on the bed and angrily kicks at the damn bedding which loosens up slightly. Relieved he pushes the bedding away and frees the part of his pyjama slacks, that were hopelessly stuck in the mess, running his hands over the stub of his missing leg, suppressing the urge to - to what? To cry and sob? To curse? To miss the limb that was no longer attached? It was what it was - missing - and there was nothing he could do to change it. And he sure had tried to - foolishly so. Ohno ran his hands through his hair again; his skin tightening around his arm where the scars were not lenient enough to fully comply. He listened to the silence, breathing hard, half turned on the mattress facing the door. There's another sound confirming Jun was in some sort of trouble - again - before getting up and hopping to the living room.

He finds the younger one sitting on the floor, staring at the broken glass and the small pool where water and blood mingled together, staining the floor. The living room is nearly as empty as Ohno's bedroom, apart from a small kotatsu table and kitchen area. Ohno hopped to the kitchen and takes a clean cloth rinsing with water. The blood on the tatami straw floor will be hard to clean out but that was surely a problem for later. 

Jun's panic attacks had different ways of outing themselves. They ranged from emotional outbursts, to nightmares and sleepwalking. But those didn't compare to his level of self mutilation. Mostly it was a combination of two or three.  
"Are you awake?" The question was asked softly by the older one, as not to spook the other.  
"I am," came the equal soft response from the floor without him looking up. His voice held all the wonder about what had happened, watching his blood dripping into the spilled water.  
"I'm sorry I woke you." Ohno didn't like the sound of that voice. It sounded like he was far away; spaced out in his own world, without getting what had happened. Ohno watched him with some concern before moving towards him; a tender half smile on his lips.  
"That's okay, I was awake any way."

Jun looked up with a soft smile and lingering glazed over eyes, "Liar," he muttered softly peering from under the long strands of black hair obscuring his reddened eyes. Ohno shrugged as he sat beside him, crossing his legs. Jun looked instantly away from him as Ohno reached out to the injured hand. Even if Ohno was used to the look by now, it still send a sharp flare of hurt through his being.  
He stayed silent as he checked the cuts for glass and ignored the previous lines and scars knowing those reached far up the sleeve covered arms of his unwilling friend. His frail body was covered with them and reminded him of the infrequent hospital visits they've had. With September nearing he knew it was only a matter of time before they would be back there.  
If Jun had guessed his train of thought while he cleaned and wrapped up the wound with the damp cloth he didn't let on. Jun kept looking away from him. And it irked Ohno as it always did. It took a fair amount of will power not to tell the other that hís body wasn't a sight for sore eyes, either. Apart from the stares Ohno already got on the street, Jun's behaviour towards him was more painful. And he took it as the rejection it was.

Ohno stood holding on to Jun's shoulder to stabilise himself when Jun forced himself to speak up, looking at the part where Ohno's pyjama hung around his missing leg.  
"I'm sorry, Ohno-kun. I know you hate it when I -"  
"Be quiet. It's okay. Honestly, I get it. I know how I look," Ohno interrupted the apology not wanting to listen to it; he had heard it too often before. And he knew it wasn't because of his foot that Jun looked away. Stretching again, balancing precariously for a moment not caring how Jun tried his best to ignore the long body next to him. He hopped to his bedroom to get the first aid kit and a t-shirt to cover his body. Jun always wore full pyjamas to cover himself, but Ohno had adopted a slightly less clothed way of sleeping. The fabric itched around his scarred arm and torso as he tossed and turned at night, it clung to him in a way it was suffocating. Besides, he opted to himself, it was summer - too hot to sleep in a full pyjama any way. 

They didn't speak of it; didn't speak at all after that as Ohno wrapped Jun's hand with bandages. He wondered about the glass, now that Jun was cleaning up after himself under the watchful eye of his room mate. He wondered if he had been sleep walking, or just had a nightmare and wanted to alleviate the mental pain. But he didn't want to know that answer. Instead he sighed. Being up at this hour just before sunrise Ohno opted between going to bed or just stay awake now. Jun seemed a bit out of it, staring ahead with eyes that looked haunted with images from their shared past. He started preparing breakfast just to have something to do while keeping Jun silently company. 

The first of September was the date that connected the two of them in a way that they both resented, and yet, without it their lives would have been so different. But with all that happened to them they didn't seem to function apart from each other. Their families weren't much of a support as they both came from broken homes. Jun's parents were divorced, and after his father had left without a word his mother had put him into foster care. Ohno's was broken in the way that his parents just didn't seem to care about him. They didn't even come to visit after they had heard - they must have heard. Ohno and Jun's story had made the head lines.

Ohno made two trips to the low-end table and placed their breakfast on it, calling softly to Jun, who had taken refuge near the window staring outside. He looked lost, which made him look younger than he was. Ohno sighed as he watched his room mate crawl to the table that he'd been silently crying while Ohno had been cooking. The reason for it could be anything; guilt, shame or anger. Ohno wanted to tell him 'things would be okay', but even he wondered if that was really true when he did.

"Is it really okay, Oh-chan?"  
The question hung in the air and resounded in his mind as he looked into the tear stricken face of his kouhai. Was it really? The younger man, resembling a teenager in appearance despite being in his twenties, was lost in his own thoughts as he poked around with his spoon in his bowl. The miso soup sloshed around as he tried to stab the tofu at the bottom. Ohno sighed defeated not knowing - still not knowing - how to answer the question. Their shared history made had a habit of throwing them back into a time where neither of them wanted to be. It lingered in the back ground and popped up at random, especially at night when their defences were down and their nights where reigned by terror.  
The taller man stared at his own food, suddenly not quite as hungry.  
"Sorry for asking," Jun said absentmindedly, "It's just hard, you know."  
Yeah, he did know - how could he not know. They were reminded by it every day. Ohno kept staring in his bowl for a while before looking up meeting Jun's faltering smile.  
"You don't need to be brave all the time, Jun-kun," he quietly said to the both of them to which Jun's smile increased infused with some snarkiness and something wicked in his eyes as he waved his injured hand a little for show.  
"Not being brave at all."

It upset Ohno he was being funny about the injury. It might have been accidentally, but that couldn't be said from the rest of his scars. Not wanting to yell and tear open old discussions he left the table at that, staring back at him with anger.  
"That's just-" he spat at Jun's smile and stopped before saying something he'd regret.  
"Stupid? Crazy? Insane? Unstable of me?" Jun supplied helpfully. It left Ohno willing to strangle some sense in to the guy as they stared each other down, with Ohno feeling anger rise and come to a boil.  
"Foolish, I was going to say foolish, idiot!"  
"Could've fooled me, Oh-chan," Jun answered quietly, breaking their heated eye contact by turning his body to face the window of their apartment. 

Ohno slammed the bathroom door shut; he could hear the crutch out side fall on the floor with the impact and reminded himself that this was not a sturdy apartment with walls which could handle violence well. Running a bath he took his clothes off and scrubbed down a bit trying to lose the resentment he felt. He stared ahead to the spot where a mirror once hung. He didn't need a confirmation of how he looked. He was well aware of the scarring which didn't allow him to undress anywhere public. He'd given up on public washrooms and Olsens, not being able to handle the stares of others. Because no one really asked but they all assumed their own horror version.  
He scrubbed hard with a nail brush making his skin angrily red as punishment. Jun had this effect on him, every single time he opened his little dirty mouth down-talking himself. 

The dream came back, rushing, bringing the fear, the unresolved anger. It felt heavy and as present as another person into the room.

He tried to down play the voice echoing in his mind. The one where Jun was better off in an institution as the doctors insisted on. They'd paid to many visits to hospitals. But what angered Ohno the most was that he couldn't bare the thought of being trapped in this life with out him. The sturdy hairs in the brush were unforgiving as they scratched over the scars of his torso. His skin felt tingly and numb with the intrusion. But he didn't notice anymore. His mind became more and more consumed with Jun fucking up his life - one little incident at the time. Ohno huffed throwing the brush angrily away, on the verge of screaming from frustration. He had lost track of how many times he had found his kouhai in the tub, but knew it wasn't the last time he'd do it.

Jun cut his flesh to cope when his mind played tricks on him. With the things that were said to him. And those scars ran over his whole body. To wrists, the arms, the entirety of his legs, mostly around the inner thighs. Even his torso. He remembered finding Jun on the bathroom floor where he had stabbed himself with his pocket knife seven times in the stomach, or when he had floated around in the tub in blood coloured water. He remembered all the times he had to clean up after him and all the times he felt Jun had no right to complain - No right at all! His weary mind lingered on those scars of his room mate; his mind had no trouble coming up with the rest of Jun's body. Every part of him was cut. Every god damn part.

Ohno felt himself grow hard by the mental image and softly moaned. A lust filled sound he wasn't ashamed of repeating in the closure of the bathroom. He jerked himself off with the image of Jun where he found him the first time; faced down being molested by four others, covered in the scars he had now.  
He remembered the moment he and Jun locked eyes and it took his breath away as the full memory hit him. The pain, the relief of being discovered, the full sheer of emotions. He couldn't even say he felt conflicted about feeling this way anymore. His therapist had told him to just go with the flow - even if Ohno was sure this was probably not what she had meant. With his hand on his junk twitching, he could feel where his healthy skin enjoyed the touch of his fingers and where the scars still felt alien as he began to pump. 

Jun being raped in that storage room, even if it took him seconds to react to his assailants; the image was stuck in his head forever. He looked so helpless and defenceless. He moved his hand frantically trying to get to a rushed conclusion why the other gripped the side of the sink. The water rushing into the tub sounded loud to his ears, the steam made his body clammy. The air grew thick as he panted, working himself while thoughts and images of Jun played through his mind. His room mate had looked like a kid who was being punished. Ohno remembered a smile on those lips which he knew could have never been there, accompanied by a longing in those clear, brown eyes that never existed. The image faded when he heard sounds coming from the living room knowing the object of his desire was right outside that door. Ohno breathed frustrated when other images clouded his mind of what happened. It wasn't Jun's fault for what happened when his attackers turned on Ohno for his intrusion on them.  
There was a short fight, mostly some shoving, kicking and people slamming into shelves. He thought they'd left when he knelt beside his younger school mate. The warning in his eyes came too late as the molesters retaliated by splashing some chemical cleaning liquid on him before setting him on fire. The image of the flames made his movement stall. No, he thought desperately holding on to the image of Jun being defensively held down. No, please, don't remember that part. Just hold on to Jun being naked, being defenceless, teary eyed and longing for protection.

The flames licking his body wouldn't be suppressed killing his desire, making his already harsh breath more erratic as panic settled in. Ohno hit in the air trying to get rid of the flames that weren't there, losing his balance in his frenzied movement he collapsed and hit his chin on the edge on the sink, slamming his jaws shut biting unwillingly and painfully down on his tongue. His head stun as he peered down to his leg, letting the blood drool from his mouth. Losing his balance, when was the last time something like that had happened? Not in some time as he rubbed his knee in a daze but ended up staring at his foot which wasn't there. He willed it there, to no avail. The stub was what it was; the end of his leg half way his lower leg - and an ugly end at that. He'd had infections, blood poisoning and what not, as he trailed the burned scarred skin with his fingers. What once had been smooth was now hard and wrinkled; some parts were even numb under his touch. 

His school mates had cost him his leg, and made him into what he was now - half of something. He resented them, hated them. But it was Jun who ended up being the object of his fantasies whether they were based on lust, anger or violence. It was always Jun who he tortured. His blood dribbled on his legs as he stared at his stub and he watched it run over his skin and onto the tiled floor. He couldn't remember if he had bled that faithful day. He remembered Jun had been when he had knelt beside him. He'd been beaten up pretty badly. He remembered the weak but terrified smile upon his rescue and then the horror in the kid's eyes when he went up in flames.

The images were burned in his mind as much as the event itself was. Ohno sighed getting up from the floor, hands on the bath as he turned off the shower and stared into the hot water. The tub was already too full as he ran the cold to make the temperature less than scorching hot. Sitting on the side of the tube he ran his scarred arm through the water, feeling the heat on parts of his skin and nothing on others. It the water the image contorted almost seemed to make the skin look normal at times. Ohno submerged his normal leg into the water and watched his toes as the water was still too hot. The skin turned red. Ohno bit down on his lower lip when the pain surged through his skin but nothing akin to how it once felt. 

Tears burn in his eyes as he put the other leg into the water. The rippled skin darkening into this round stitched clump of flesh looking like some material had been melting. It was here in the solitude of the bathroom the pain sought a way out. Turning off the cold, watching the water balance precariously at the edge of the tub. Sitting in it now would mean it would over flow. The mess coming from that would be unwelcome, even though the thought was entertaining. He moved to pull the plug in the drain. Shifting from the edge he felt the cord to pull at the same time he felt himself slip of the side and launch himself face first into the tub, hitting his head on the low faucet as he put his non existing foot to regain his balance out of reflex. 

_The shed was hot. The light bulb flickered, casting shadows. He sat cowardly, hugging his legs while rocking himself. He was sweating profusely. From the top of his head, over the bare shoulders down his sides. There was a dress mirror in front of him but he didn't dare look; didn't want to see the burned marks, the missing pieces, his haunted self. He heard the footsteps, the turning of the knob, the fresh breeze of air which made his skin scrawl. This was where he would scream and wake up. The scream was deafening, startling him out of the comatosed trance he was in, when he realised it wasn't his. The heat felt oppressive, like it was existing as an entity all of its own, weighing down on him, making it harder to breathe.  
"Look!" a voice rang out, echoing of the walls. Ohno shook his head, gripping his knees tighter, only muttering his reluctance in sobs. A hand grabbed him by the shoulders and shook him violently. He noticed the marks upon the long fingers, making him hold his breathe with a sharp intake as he unwillingly took a glance in the mirror. He wanted to scream. Needed to scream as a scarred, bleeding hand moved over his mouth, pulling his head against a blistering body behind him. What was more frightening was the image of him. The perfect skin. The two feet and all of his toes. He wanted to feel it, see it as he touched himself. Smooth, healthy. It was him as he used to be. The figure behind him was wearing nothing more than a hooded cape, covering his face. As he stood over him, looking down, Ohno could see the gleaming familiar eyes. His skin crawled... Or maybe he was trying to crawl out of his skin. The other stood silently looking down, the sticky fingers inching into his mouth. Ohno tasted the blood on his tongue as another hand went and stroked the side of his throat. _

"There are easier ways to kill yourself, you know! Drowning in a tub isn't one of them!"  
He heard the words spoken through the black fog surrounding him, suffocating him. The voice from the dream echoed in his mind. It sounded familiar. The voice was familiar, the words were familiar. He felt pressure in his lungs before he felt the urge to cough up the water and roll on his side. Reality hit hard as he felt the water escape from his body. He saw and felt the amount of water cold against his exposed flesh on the bathroom floor. There was blood too. Hands helped him move, he felt them linger on his skin; heard the sigh of relief as the hands softly patted him. No words of tender loving care, though.

"You scared the shit out of me," Jun sounded scolding sitting next to him, arms around his sweat pants. The fabric was dark as it absorbed water from the floor. Still dazed and confused Ohno coughed and breathed in frantically.  
"Then at least you know how I feel when I find you in here." he wheezed back at him partially interrupted by his coughing.  
"Very funny," Jun added dryly to the comment as Ohno tried to sit up. Jun helped him, sitting behind him and unexpectedly wrapped his arms around his torso. Ohno's breathing stalled as he watched the scarred arms peep out of the sleeves against his naked frame, taking hold of one another. He watched them with mix interest but found himself shocked when Jun pressed his head between his shoulder blades.  
"Who's blood is that?" Ohno informed with some difficulty not being able to look away from the arms circling him.  
"Yours for a change." It didn't sound as humorous as the younger man could have made it sound. He sounded strangled. "Maybe a bit of mine," he showed Ohno his bandaged hand which was soaked red.

"If it's still bleeding, you should see a doctor."  
He felt Jun shake his head against his back, felt the grip tightening as Ohno lifted his hand to rest it gently on Jun's. He could feel the reluctance to let go in the body pressed against his. He found the need a welcome change. He shouldn't enjoy it - he should tell Jun to go away; leave him be. Because Ohno could feel his body react to the touch and his room mate wasn't even doing anything.  
"Jun-"  
"Don't... Don't say anything." The voice sounded broken. Take aback Ohno didn't know how to respond. The warm breath with which Jun spoke tingled against his spine making him shiver. He willed his mind to slow down the haywire thoughts running away with him. The need to react, to for fill those fantasies of torture and pleasure; to keep Jun close and sheltered. But he couldn't do anything, sitting there with those arms around him. His eyes drifted to the scars of the younger one's. The contrast against his own flawed flesh made him angry. 

And he wanted to be angry. Needed to be angry. It was so much better than being broken and incomplete. Better than being rejected.  
"Don't get mad," Jun's soft voice came from behind, "Please, don't be mad at me."  
Ohno sat not knowing where to look being caught off guard completely. How could he know? How could he sit there holding him like that? Didn't Jun hated the sight of his bare skin, the scars, the reminder of their past?  
"Don't be mad," Jun whispered again, head still against Ohno's back.  
"I won't," the older one meekly conceded. He was hesitant, not knowing what to do or what the other expected him to do - if he should even do anything at all.  
"Promise?"

The question hung in the air. It felt like it meant more than being mad in just this moment. It had the feel of promising that he would never be angry at the younger one again.  
"Jun-kun..." At a loss for words, absentmindedly caressing the scars of cuts in the other's arm. He didn't know what to say. What could he say?  
"I hear you scream at night," Jun followed at long last, "Every night." Even without mentioning he could hear the guilt in his tone. "I am the reason you are this way. In the beginning you blamed me and then you changed." He fell silent, but Ohno expected there was more Jun wanted to say. "You changed and I didn't. You never once complaint about me cutting - not really, any way."  
Another silence followed as Ohno's room mate remembered the times he had been taken to the hospital, the times Ohno wrapped him up in bandaged, and then in his arms to hold him while he cried. Jun sighed which sounded scared.  
"Jun-"  
"Don't die." Two little words. Two little words that hung between them. "Don't die, Oh-chan. I don't know what to do if you die."  
"We all die at some point," Ohno after a while looking down at the floor. "Be it now, tomorrow, or in eighty years. It's going to happen either way. You taught me that."  
There was no reply to those words.  
"You're not crying are you?"

"I'm not," he heard his room mate lie, "just sad you feel that way."  
Ohno shrugged. Didn't know how to see things other wise. He should've, could've died in the fire. They could've killed Jun when they were done raping him. Not to mention the times he brought the younger one to the hospital; it could've been the last time. For all accounts they should've died.  
"Is that why you are holding on to me? You're afraid I might die? You're the one with issues, not me!" The bitterness flowed from the words. They sounded as harsh and resentful as Ohno could make them.  
"I-" Jun cut himself off as he let go of the embrace. "I'm sorry." Where the words Ohno knew he would've to say, instead he heard them spoken softly as Jun got up and walked past him. By the door he didn't turn around, just sighed and stopped as if he wanted to add something. Deciding against it he left, leaving Ohno on the floor, feeling stunned. 

They didn't talk much after that. Mainly because Ohno's room mate stopped talking by avoiding him where ever he could. Ohno tried to apologise, but the words were what they were; just words. Ohno felt anger when Jun did not accept them. Anger born from rejection, from the one person he counted on. They were fighting; or rather he was - more at odds with himself than anything else - until one day Jun decided that enough was enough. 

The shed was damp and poorly lit. There were no windows, the only light coming from the flickering light of a bulb. The heat oppressive and stale. The scent of iron hung heavy in the air. His body was twitching, but not from cold. Sweat rolled off him as Jun stood over Ohno glaring into his dying eyes. He was panting as Ohno bled out, his body shaking beneath him with the pain and disbelieve.  
"You don't get it. I never wanted to be alone," Jun breathed as he collapsed next to him watching his blood mingled with Ohno's on the floor. He moaned as the memories flooded him. High pitched, short burst of breathless sounds. Memories he didn't want. The only thing standing was the dress mirror; smudged with blood from a hasty writing. 

_I wanted to stay by your side forever, but I guess there is no such thing as forever. Let's just hang out at a place where we fit in and maybe we could try to be better friends there._


End file.
